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Mikey’s dear old friend had been slipping in and out of coma for several months and Mikey had stayed by her bedside every single day. One day, when she came to, she motioned for Mikey to come closer. As Mikey sat next to her, with tears in her eyes she said, “Mikey, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired from the auction house, you were there to support me. When my antique business failed, you were there. When I got shot by that burglar, you were by my side. When I lost the house in a bad deal, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" Mikey gently asked, smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're really bad luck."
Mikey goes to see his travel agent. "Hey Larry, going away on holiday again?" "Yes, but I'd like to try something different this time." "Okay,” says the agent, “what did you have in mind?." "You know last year you suggested Hawaii and when I returned my wife was pregnant." "Yes, but. . ." "And the year before you suggested Bermuda and when I returned my wife was pregnant." "Yes, but. . ." "And the year before that I went to Bali and when I returned my wife was pregnant." "Yes." "Well!” exclaims Mikey, “Could you suggest something cheaper this year so that I can take her with me?"
After a long day at home lounging around, Mikey hears his wife’s car come up the driveway and screech to a halt. Mikey is thinking to himself, great she is finally home and she can cook me a nice dinner. His wife runs into the house and yells at the top of her lungs, “Mikey, quickly pack your bags, I’ve just won $10 million in the lottery.” Excited, Mikey says to her, “Honey, that is fantastic. Should I pack for the beaches of the Caribbean or the ski slopes of Europe?” Aghast, the wife looks at him and says, “I don’t care what you pack, just get out of here.”
Mikey gets a job at a local office and at towards the end of his first day he sees his boss staring at the office shredder. Eager to help and make himself known he decides to go over and help the boss. The boss says to Mikey, “How do I make this thing work? This paper has all of our profit and loss information on it.” Mikey says, “Here, let me help you sir.” He proceeds to switch the machine on, it warms up and he feeds the paper into the slot. “Thanks for the help.” The boss says to Mikey, “Now I’ll need one more copy of that.”
Mikey is driving past the state mental hospital recently when he got a flat tire. So he gets the jack from the trunk, lifts the car and proceeds to take the lug nuts off the wheel and place them in the hubcap. Just as he gets the last one off and places it in the hubcap another car comes by and runs over the hubcap, sending the lug nuts into a nearby storm drain. Exasperated, Mikey does not know what to do next and decides to call a cab.
Just as he pulls his cell phone from his pocket and starts to dial he hears a voice from behind the hospital fence. “Hey buddy,” the guy is yelling, “Take one of the lug nuts from each of the other three wheels. That will hold your tires until you can get to a garage.” Mikey brightens with the patients bright idea and does exactly as the man said. Before he leaves, he yells back at the patient, “That was pretty smart. Why do they have you in there?” The patient smiles and calls back, “I’m in here because I’m crazy, not dumb.”
Mikey is sitting in a very expensive and exclusive restaurant in Georgetown waiting to meet with a corporate executive whom he wanted so badly to impress, when he looked up and saw Bill Gates sitting not too far away. Eureka he says to himself, and walks over to Mr. Gates and asks him, “Hello Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor.” Clearly amused, Mr. Gates says, “What can I do for you?” and Mikey explains, “I am waiting of a very important executive and I was wondering if after he arrives if you would be so kind as to say, ‘Hi Mikey’?”
Really intrigued now, Mr. Gates agrees and Mikey trots off back to his seat to wait for his executive. After his arrival, Mr. Gates watches as they get settled in and they order drinks. Then he walks up close to Mikey and says, “Hi Mikey!” Mikey turns around and says, “Get lost Gates, can’t you see I’m in a meeting!”
Mikey is a pretty shady junk dealer as we all know and tries to get something for nothing whenever he can. One day an elderly woman invited him to her home to look at some things that she had for sale. The elderly woman invites him into the home and offers him some tea. Mikey accepts and she goes into the kitchen to prepare it. In the meantime, Mikey starts looking around the apartment and soon spots a beautiful Royal Doulton bowl full of almonds sitting on a table. Mikey’s mind began to race, thinking about how he could get that bowl as cheap as possible from the elderly woman.
When the elderly woman returns, Mikey asks if he can have an almond and she says “of course, have as many as you like.” Mikey proceeds to eat many of the almonds, making small talk with the elderly woman while thinking of ways to approach her with a few dollars for the bowl. Finally as an ice breaker he looks at his watch and says, “Oh my, look at the time, I must be going soon and I ate almost all of you almonds, I must replace them for you.” To which the elderly woman replies, “Oh don’t bother sonny, ever since I my teeth its all I can do just to lick the chocolate off of them.”
An Arlington policeman pulled a car over on Wilson Boulevard near Seven Corners. When the policeman asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered and told him that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Clarendon to do a private show that evening and could not be late. The policeman told the man that he was fascinated by jugglers and if the driver did a little juggling for him, he would not give him a ticket. The driver responded that he had sent all of his equipment ahead and did not have anything to juggle. The policeman said that he had some flares in the squad car and the man said okay, he would do it.
While the man was doing the juggling act with the lit flares for the policeman, another car pulled to the side of the road. Out of the car came Mikey and watched the juggler for a few minutes. Mikey then goes over and gets in the back of the squad car. The policeman goes over to the squad and car and asks Mikey, “What are you doing?” To which Mikey replies, “Might as well take me to jail now, there is no way I can pass that test.”
Dumb Mikey decided he was going to paint his house himself to save some money, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend. So the first day he paints the front of the house and all is well. The second day, he only paints half of the left side of the house. The third day he could only accomplish finishing the side he had started the day before. His girlfriend was dismayed and told him, “you know the first day you started out like gangbusters and finished the whole front of the house.” She asked, “What did you lose your motivation when you started on the side of the house?” Mikey looks at her, deadpan, and says, “It would take a professional painter just as long you know. Everyday, I have to walk further and further to the paint can.”
Mikey and his buddy were taking the train to see the sights. On the way to the train station, they decided to stop at a convenience store and buy some snacks to have on the trip. They each bought some snacks and soon they were on their way. As usual Mikey being Mikey and not playing by the rules, he took his snacks out and started eating on the train. Just as they were entering the tunnel Mikey bit into a banana. After emerging on the other side, Mikey looked across at his buddy and said “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.” His buddy asks him why and Mikey looks him and said, “I took one bite and went blind for a half a minute.
Mikey is feeling a little overweight so he goes to the doctor for some advice. The doctor tells him, “Mikey, the best way to lose weight quickly and keep it off is to run ten miles a day for thirty days.” So off Mikey goes and he takes the doctors advice with fervor. He runs and he runs and at the end of thirty days he is amazed at how much weight he has actually lost. So he calls the doctor and the doctor asks, “Well Mikey, how did it go, did you lose some weight?” Mikey is ecstatic but a little dumbfounded as he replies, “Oh yes doctor, it worked like a charm, I lost a lot of weight and I look really good . . . but how do I get home now?”
Mikey is sitting around his apartment one day when the doorbell rings unexpectedly. He gets up and answers the door to find a salesman standing on his stoop with a strange object. “What’s that?” asks Mikey. The salesman replies, “why it’s a new state of the art thermos young man.” “What does it do?” asks Mikey. The salesman tells him that the thermos keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. So of course Mikey buys one.
The next day Mikey takes his state of the art thermos to his job at the flea market with him and one of the other vendors asks him, “Mikey, what you got there?” Mikey looks very proudly and explains to the vendor that it is a state of the art thermos that keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. “Really?” Asks the vendor, “What do you have in it? Mikey says, “Three cups of coffee and a popsicle for later.”
Mikey being Mikey and who thinks that he is the handsomest, suave and most sophisticated gentleman thought that he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce perfect children, have the perfect family and live in the most perfect house with the most perfect dog. First though he had to find a perfect wife that would have him and he thought the best place to find one would be in the country.
So as he is traveling the countryside looking for his perfect bride, he comes upon a farmer with three beautiful daughters and he explains to the famer what he is looking for. The farmer suggests that he dates his daughters. So Mikey dates the first one and the next day the farmer asks him what he thought. Mikey says, “Well, she is almost perfect, but she is a wee bit pigeon toed.” So the farmer gives him permission to date the second daughter and the next day asks Mikey, what he thought. “Well,” says Mikey, “She was almost perfect except that she is a wee bit cross eyed.” So the farmer agrees to let Mikey date the third daughter and the next day asks Mikey what he thought. Mikey is excited, “I have found her, the most perfect woman, I must marry her.”
So off he goes and gets married to the farmers daughter and soon they she is pregnant. Months later she has the baby and Mikey was horrified; the baby was the ugliest most revolting baby he had ever seen. He rushes to the farmer and wants an explanation about how this could happen. The farmer looks at him and says, “Well, she was a wee bit pregnant when you married her.”
Mikey goes to the deli in Arlington not too long ago and purchased a lottery ticket. Lo’ and behold, wouldn’t you know it, he wins the $20 million jackpot!! So off he goes, down to Richmond to claim his prize. When he gets there he approaches the bureaucratic lottery official and says, “I’m here to claim my $20 million.”
The lottery official looks at Mikey and says, “It doesn’t quite work that way. We actually pay out $1 million today and the rest we pay out annually over the next nineteen years.” Mikey says, “No, no, I want all my money right now.” Again the lottery official adamantly tries to explain the procedure to Mikey and back and forth they go for about twenty minutes. Finally making no headway, Mikey yells at the official, “Look mister, if you are not going to give me my $20 million, I want my $1 back!!”